Fuck You Awards - Last Week

  1. APPLE - My MBPro hard drive crapped out after 10 months. This was a gift from a friend while I was recovering from surgery, and the warranty still covered it, but still, that’s a bit of coin for something to die so quickly.  So fuck you and your precious, expensive, beautifully designed shit, that make grown men and women sleep in the street like a bunch of fucking half-wits so they CAN HAVE IT FIRST. And start feeding those motherfucking Chinese factory workers some decent food, because a hard drive that dies after ten months means they are tired of Funyuns being the only thing in the People’s Break Room.
  2. DIRECTV - So right after the drive goes, my SD receiver also has a stroke. DirecTV would be happy to replace my receiver for $19.99 S/H. Excuse me? I have to pay you to replace YOUR broken box that I’m already LEASING from you every month? Were the staff there replaced by Somali pirates? How about you pay me not to strangle you through the phone, cheeseboat? What’s that? You’re going to waive the fee? What a guy. Cunt.
  3. MY FLAT TIRE - All cars should be set on fire and never used again, and the money we would have spent on cars should go to resurrecting dinosaurs we can saddle and use for transportation. Doesn’t going to work on a dinosaur sound like fun?  Or just spend the money on interconnecting tube-pod-shuttles like they had on Logan’s Run. 
  4. AYSO - No, please, call me up at 4PM ON CHRISTMAS EVE to ask me if my daughter wants to play on a Spring Team, and then, when I tell you yes, I think so, but I’ll have get back to you, because IT’S 4PM ON THE EVE BEFORE CHRIST WAS BORN AND PEOPLE HAVE A HUNDRED FUCKING GIFTS TO WRAP, don’t bother telling me that you need an answer right away or we’re fucked, as I found out two weeks later. No really, thanks. Totally worth coaching a team and ALSO refereeing several games throughout the season while getting yelled at by asshole parents who don’t know the fucking rules. Merry Christmas.

That’s it for now. I’m going to go exercise so innocent people won’t die tomorrow in my toxic rage cloud. Also, I realize that everything I listed is a White Person’s Problem, but I’m Puerto Rican, and a New Yorker, so, cursing can be healing. Namaste.

P.S.: Oh hey, Hanna Anderson? I better start seeing some fucking black and hispanic kids in your catalog, especially after all I’ve spent on your bloody clothes, bastards. You don’t even have asian babies in there and asian babies are RIDICULOUS.